Aerotek- The Guide to Taking a Dump at Work

- Aerotek - The Guide to Taking a Dump at Work


Originally published in 2011 as "The Aerotek temporary staff employee hand guide

to taking a dump in a call center"...this document is a living tribute to something

we all have to do at our jobs from time to time. Foul smells, rude sounds, and bad

reputations are the stuff of legend or nightmare for many a minimum wage worker

tele marketer. With this "Guide to taking a dump at work" we will "show you the ropes

and help through a difficult learning time for many, and a happy place for others...


Escapee -- A f-a-r-t that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in

a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is

similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you

release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing

next to the f-a-r-t-e-r at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee,

it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip

out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually

a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in

the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of

what just occurred.


Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits

the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount

of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught

doing the WALK OF SHAME.


Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just

stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in.

As with all f-a-r-t-s, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You

will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine

under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before

entering the bathroom.


Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency

pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts

of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.



Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect

visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds

of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


Turd Burgler -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the

door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking

a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you

will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a

stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very

effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a

stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the

bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an

embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


Havana Omelet -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.

Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.


Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths

of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax

while on the c-r-a-p-p-e-r, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.

This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.


Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers.

If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a

FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


Crack Whore -- A c-r-a-p-p-e-r that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE

include pubes, p-i-s-s stains and s-h-i-t streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the

janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN